Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Dishwasher.
Dishwasher who?
Dishwasher way I spoke before I had false teeth!

Don't Panic! It's Organic! Mostly!

Here is my recipe for the smoothie that won me the award for the "Best Cold Bev 2009"

1 Cup Trader Joe's Dynamo Juice (It has 100% daily vitamins! Even Calcium)
1/2 Cup fresh berries, strawberries are a home run right now
1 Cup Frozen berries, Blueberries are good for this and I also love pineapple
2 Tablespoons Ground Flax Seed
Optional: A little honey if the berries aren't quite ripe, a little matcha if you're feeling real frisky. Add more liquid to thin it out, a little soy milk to make it all creamy and lovable.
Voila!

And now a break to just say "I love you, Gambit! You are the Greatest!"

I am on pins and needles

Today I had my first acupuncture appointment at a tiny shop called Mercy and Wisdom Center. I have to admit I was a little surprised at what it was really like, my only previous knowledge of what it would be like being the scene in the remake of the Nutty Professor when Eddy Murphy in a fat suit is covered in needles. I went in and filled out a 10 page questionnaire covering everything from allergies to mental health. My guy, I don't really know what to call him, needle pusher seems fitting but wrong, point finder?
When my point calculator came out to get me I was a little bummed out that he looked like Andy Kirk's dad (complete with white ponytail and neatly tucked in tropical button down) and remarked about my horoscope sign in the first three seconds. We went to a teensy room that was decorated with a poster of a Chinese guy looking or talking to a goose and we talked about that for what seemed like a long time.
Next, we had a long talk about what my tongue looked like and many notes were made. Calculator then asked about my circulation, blood type, animal sign(dog, just like him!), food and liquid consumption norms and how I feel generally. It was the most thorough health interview I have ever had and I genuinely felt like we were going to get to the bottom of things. Calc assured me he had some great ideas for me that would relieve my stress greatly. I felt relieved to find out I wouldn't have to take my clothes off.
Calc had me lay on a massage table and roll up my pants and shirt sleeves and "lose my glasses". Oh, I want to make sure that I mention that he said "What the fuck, no wonder you are stressed!" Because I really loved that he did that. No other swear words were used during the session.
At first he showed me the needles he would be using and told me about "the good old days" when each patient had their own set of needles that could be used again and again. I checked the level of the used needle receptacle on the wall and made a faint "huh". The first needles he put in were in my scalp, and another in between my eyes. Next, a small black electric box was set up behind my head and the needles began to tingle. I really didn't feel the sting of the needles entering but he kept adjusting the electricity levels and some of the points really hurt.
After about 20 minutes, Calc said he came up with a great plan for me. I didn't like that phrasing but smiled and nodded my needled head. He then put ten needles into my legs and feet as well as a heat lamp on my icy cold feet. None of this was painful but then he put four needles into my wrists and this was horribly painful. A dull pain started in my left forearm and grew progressively worse over the rest of the session.
From time to time the needles would be adjusted by pushing them up and down into the points and this stung a little. I was then wrapped in a blanket and left to relax for a while. My mind wondered a little but I didn't fall asleep like he told me I would.
I mostly thought about Lost and wondered if Powells would have a used copy of Ulyssess.
After what seemed to be about twenty minutes Calc came back and checked my pulses. He did this at the get go as well, noting each wrists individual pulse. He then removed each of the needles and admitted that he had used many more needles than he normally would for a first time patient. None of the needles bled and I could barely feel them as they were removed. They are literally as thin as a strand of hair.
I laid on the table for about five minutes after he left as one would do after a massage and tried to see if I could see any of the spots. My wrist was the only marked spot and it just looked like the world's tiniest bruise.
When I stood up I felt incredibly relaxed and calm. Even walking through the bum parties down Burnside on my way to the bookstore seemed pleasant. And maybe it was just the rain keeping it down, but I swear, the body odor clouds parted as I walked through them.

Holmes Was Wronged!!!

It's been a while since I've been back here to my little blog. Things in March have been pretty stressful as the month started off with my identity being stolen once again. This time around was a tad bit more annoying than the SarEric fiasco of 2008. Now it is a very mean lady from a fake law firm in New York (but calling from a 402 number, leading me to answer it in the first place) threatening to send me to prison for credit card fraud. Agh. I've never even had a credit card but I was still tricked for a few hours. Everybody's trying to be me but me! I have resolved to stop whispering my social security to people and have been googling shredders online. I escaped the situation by catching upper respiratory infection and hiding under the haze of a 101 degree fever for 5 days. Deal with that you fake Saras!